L.A. Boondoggle

I was checking out this article on firstcoastnews.com about a man caught having sex with a picnic table and I was immediately intrigued. Bellevue, Ohio resident, Arthur Price apparently had a habit of getting horny and taking it out on his picnic table. Arthur was arrested and now faces four counts of public indecency but I think everyone is missing one very important aspect of this whole situation. Was the sex consensual? The article didn’t give much information about that and upon researching further, I found out that no one had asked the picnic table if it had been raped or not. Too add insult to injury, no one even bothered to find out if the picnic table was of legal consenting age, it would appear that Arthur Price dodged a potentially dangerous statutory bullet. After much prodding and non-sexual poking, we were able to get the picnic table to grant us an exclusive interview, I think you may all be shocked at what it revealed.

LABoondoggle: I’d like to start off by thanking you for joining us today, this whole situation must be taking it’s toll.
Picnic Table: Believe me it is, part of me didn’t want to do this interview but the truth needs to come out.
LABoondoggle: How does it make you feel that the police didn’t interview you after the incident?
Picnic Table: Like some sort of inanimate object
LABoondoggle: Has anyone besides us bothered to ask you any questions about it?
Picnic Table: Not at all. I figured I’d at least get a subpoena from the district attorney’s office, but I’ve gotten nothing so far. I’ve tried to go about pressing charges but being that I’m a picnic table, I can’t even operate a telephone to make the call.
LABoondoggle: Arthur is out on bail now. How does that make you feel? Are you scared?
Picnic Table: Terrified! People don’t realize that all he has to do is take me inside to have his way with me and it’s all legal and Kosher.
LABoondoggle: Are you implying that the sex wasn’t consensual?
Picnic Table:I uh. . . I need a moment.
LABoondoggle: Sure thing

At was at this point that the picnic table grabbed some tissue and then remembered that it doesn’t have a nose to blow.

Picnic Table: The sex was not consensual. He. . . he. . .
LABoondoggle: It’s okay, let it out.
Picnic Table: Arthur Price raped me. He raped me and the authorities are only concerned that he raped me in public, not with the rape itself.
LABoondoggle: We’re terribly sorry for your situation.
Picnic Table: I think I hear Arthur calling me, I’d better get inside.
LABoondoggle: That’s alright, we got all the information that we need.

So that concluded our interview with the picnic table, I’m not sure what Arthur had in mind when he called it inside, god only knows. At any rate, if you look at the original article you’ll notice this line smack dab in the middle of it, just all by itself.

“Police say Price lives near an elementary school.”

I wasn’t really sure what that had to do with the table sex so I consulted criminal psychologist and 10 time world hop scotch champion, Dr. Vance Reynolds, to see what the deal was. When asked what the link to the elementary school was Dr. Reynolds replied by saying “The newest emerging trend in predatory sexual behavior has been the leap from outdoor furniture to ‘harder’ targets such as children or young women. Outdoor furniture is now seen as a type of gateway sex in the community and it often leads to more deviant acts, not to mention splintering. It’s not too tremendous of a leap to assume that Price will move onto at least the picnic tables at the elementary school and who knows after that.” This grim assessment may spell trouble for the local picnic table population so we at LABoondoggle have come up with a few tips for keeping your picnic tables safe.

1. Make sure that during the day, your picnic table is in an area that receives plenty of sunlight and is out in public, we recommend the front yard.
2. At night, bring your picnic table inside and lock up securely, outdoor furniture offenders have been known to use their sexual predator strength to break simple locks.
3. If you see any suspicious activity involving yours or your neighbors picnic table, report it to the police immediately.
4. Give your picnic table a more rustic, older look by roughing it up a little. Leave some plates or garbage around it perhaps. Predators tend to go for younger looking, supple picnic tables. Messing the table up will make it less of a target.

Well that’s all for now. Keep your picnic table safe, and if your a predator, keep your weiner out of the picnic table.

NEWSFLASH!!!! Smoking cigarettes causes cancer!!! Well, maybe. . . Do we know what causes cancer in general? I’ve heard cell mutation does and it sounds like a good explanation to me. What causes cell mutation? Cigarettes? Well, not all the time, maybe there’s something else in this puzzle. We don’t know exactly if the chemicals in cigarettes cause cancer 100% of the time in all test subjects in a lab designed to simulate everyday scenarios. What we do know though is that some people that smoke cigarettes get cancer and somehow that gives self-righteous, hypocritical assholes the right to infringe on the rights of smokers.  So what’s the average person really know? He knows that cigarettes and cancer are directly related somehow and therefore he shouldn’t smoke cigarettes or let anyone else smoke cigarettes for that matter. A far cry from the days when the average person knew that cigarettes were a great substitute for candy, helped you lose weight, and went great with coffee, cocaine, and whiskey. You could ask an anti-tobacco proponent how cigarettes cause cancer but they’d be hard pressed to since they don’t like to dabble in things like science or common sense. I don’t know about you, but I prefer the old days. Now anti-tobacco supporters would like you to not know anything more or less about the case but being that I used to be self-conscious about the fact that I was a smoker, I’m not about to let that happen. Sir Walter Raleigh wouldn’t tolerate what’s going on now and I’m sure as hell not going to either! This is the first in a multi-part series that I call “Assault on America: Uncovering the Plot to Kill Fun Forever”.

In case you haven’t figured it out, Part 1 is on smoking and why it kicks ass and is essential to our freedom. Not that smoking in general is being directly assaulted. I’m pretty sure that anti-tobacco proponents wouldn’t mind you smoking in certain situations so long as you’re not outside, in public, or around any non-smokers; owning a walk-in closet is pretty much like having a smoking license in their eyes. This is all fine and good but I think I have the right to annoy people with my vices just like everyone else. A Harley-Davidson motorcycle owner can annoy the fuck out of people with his insanely loud exhaust. A pet owner can annoy others by walking his barking, shitting, territory marking dog in public. The homeless can beg for change, Christians can pass flyers out in public, street musicians can butcher songs, and Rosie O’donnel has her own show. . . None of these things seem to be majorly villified, at least not in the form of national campaigns. Smoke a cigarette in line at a movie theater and people will look at you like you just took a shit in their holy water while wiping your ass with pages from the bible and burning an American flag. Well, maybe they’d be pissed if you did all that, I’ve found that people tolerate almost any sort of behaviour so long as you wear a smile and an eye patch while you’re doing it. The point being that the minute someone sees second hand smoke in the air they immediately morph into the surgeon general and try to enlighten you on how that smoke is not only killing you, but everyone around you as well. These are the same idiots that believe the Toyota Prius actually gets 60 miles per gallon of gasoline. Why? Because the EPA told them so.

Taking a closer look at what the EPA told them yields some shocking results. They did do a study, which is somewhat interesting because I think if those that worked at the EPA actually studied when it counted they might have gotten better jobs in the private sector, but let’s not get sidetracked. In 1997 the EPA did a report claiming that second hand smoke(SHS), also known as environmental tobacco smoke(ETS), kills more than 53,800 people a year. The EPA felt that doing all that boring science stuff was a waste of time and came out with the figure by taking the midpoint death tolls of heart disease, lung cancer, and other illnesses of non-smokers, regardless of whether or not these people had been exposed to second hand smoke. In that same way I can guestimate safely that over 1.5 million people die each year due to complications related to chronic masturbation and that figure doesn’t even include statistics on second hand masturbation related deaths, it’ll only be a matter of time before Jergen’s and Kleenex are taxed heavily.

The EPA even saw the logistical errors in their numbers and decided to do some “science” to get a more accurate one. Their “science” consisted of little more than a Time Life survey of 31 different reports, compiled and averaged to yield a number of 3,000 deaths caused by undefined circumstances. A similar survey would also cut my chronic masturbation number down to around 4,000 deaths per year, I think we’re starting to see who the real killer is. Normally I wouldn’t spoil the ending so soon but the World Health Organization did their own environmental tobacco study and found no measurable relationship between ETS and any form of illness. Soon after the EPA and the World Health Organization both agreed that science sucks and they’ll never try it again and they’re really pissed that I just told everyone that Snape kills Dumbledore. As for the Toyota Prius, that piece of shit gets around 44 mpg, still good but not really worth the markup in price or being called a pussy for driving such a gay car. At the end of the day who would you rather trust? A lazy branch of the government that’s easily manipulated by special interests or a multi-billion dollar corporation that encourages us to believe that it’s okay for a camel to wear sunglasses, drink, smoke, and have sex with women? I think the asnwer is obvious.

The problem isn’t helped when groups like the ironically named “thetruth.com” run ads using the EPA’s make believe statistics and stir shit up in order to encourage people to vote on smoking bans. No one seems to think that if they don’t want to smell smoke in a restaurant, they can simply go to a different restaurant. Instead we have to make laws banning smoking in restaurants. Well why not take it further? Make it illegal to be fat, being fat is visually annoying to others. Or we could just outlaw eating in public for obese people, I think that’d definitely cramp Rob Reiner’s style. And no, it’s not a thyroid problem, asshole, and I’m tired of going into the bathroom at work after some fat asshole releases their “thyroid problem” all over the place. The same logic applied to different situations just doesn’t pan out. Father Mac Burton had this to say about it: “The bottom line is that special interest groups are selective in their application of moral culpability, and thus they are hypcrites. Anti-smoking groups are outraged by RJ Reynolds for advertising to underage consumers, yet are perfectly willing to drive their child in their Ford car to McDonalds, let them indulge themselves in Ronald’s Playland and let them consume Coca-Cola products. All of the above companies want to make their products recognizable and desirable, and want children to associate their products with good feelings long before they are able to be discerning consumers. Why single out Big Tobacco when the products of any of the three companies mentioned above, as well as hundreds of others, may kill their child?” The bans only hurt small businesses and undermine our freedom to choose and I’ve done an EPA style scientific study or two and come to the conclusion that listening to anything that the Ad Council has to say severly shrinks your testicles.

So let’s dig a little deeper and create some spin of our own! You might be suprised to find that smoking has some health benefits. . . a lot of them. So brace yourself for the locomotive of truth that’s about to hit ya. It’s been observed that smoking reduces the incidence of endometrial cancer, Parkinson’s disease, ulcerative colitis, hypertension of pregnancy, and Alzheimer’s disease. So basically, if you spin like a thetruth.com guy does, you could say that anti-tobacco lobbyists hate women and old people. There’s plenty more that anti-tobacco lobbyists hate as well. Smoking improves human information processing and motor performance. Smokers are thinner in general than non-smokers while still ingesting more calories due to nicotine increasing metabolism levels. Smokers have been found in studies to have less gingivitis, plaque, and tooth mobility than non-smokers. Smokers have lower instances of postoperative deep vein thrombosis than nonsmokers. Smokers have less hypertension than nonsmokers. A smokers red blood cells have more glutathione and catalase and protect lung endothelial cells against dioxide metabolites better than red blood cells in nonsmokers(I have no idea if that’s good or bad but it sounds kickass). Smokers working with asbestos have fewer immunological abnormalities than nonsmokers working with asbestos. This one is a nice kicker: in Australia, smokers over the age of 45 get heart disease less than non-smokers and ex-smokers. I mean shit, I think I’m gonna go light one up now. So what do we know now? If you want to be a fat, toothless person who shakes and forgets shit all the time and dies of heart disease, go ahead and stay smoke free.

If you want to die of lung cancer, go ahead and smoke. I’ve even got a cool campaign cartoon for our new ad campaign. I asked His Nastyness if he knew of any smoking benefits and he had this to say, “Smoking reminds you that you’re alive. I mean hell, if you haven’t smoked you haven’t really lived now have you. Sure you might cough every now and then but who doesn’t? And as far as that limp dick shit goes, I have yet to experience that. I have boners on a daily basis and now that I smoke, in my fantasies the girls with cigarettes actually like me.” Take that American Heart and Lung Association!

I suppose for the final stake in the bullshit coffin we’ll just let it all ride. Over the last 30 years the smoking population has been cut in half but life expectancy hasn’t gone up like it should. Smoking has been on decline but childhood illnesses related to it such as asthma and ADD are rapidly rising still. Cigarettes contain 4000 chemicals, there’s around 10,000 chemicals in your daily diet. And as for the smoking gun for cigarettes that linked them to lung cancer. . . larger quantities of arsenic can be found in a glass of tap water than in one cigarette. That’s right, now consider this: Only a certain percentage of those who’ve gotten lung cancer have had cigarettes. . . they’ve all had water and in the male demographic nearly all of them have masturbated!!!! I’m not even gonna say what that implies but I think a certain general of the surgeons owes a certain multi-billion dollar industy an apology.

So what does it all mean in the end? Well, allow me to do your thinking for you and assert that smoking is still a a great substitute for candy, helps you lose weight, and goes great with coffee, cocaine, and whiskey. You may get cancer from smoking but you also might get cancer from your cell phone, eating grilled meat, or masturbating so quit being a dickhead and light one up. In the words of Father Mac Burton “It’s time these anti-smoking pussies stopped blaming the industry and started blaming the individuals who overindulge in things that many of us can casually enjoy. Stop ruining it for everyone else you assholes!” I dig it, brother! Stay Smoking America, You Deserve It!

Howdy everyone, I’d like to wish everyone a belated Happy New Year. There seems to be three prima facie facets of New Years that I can spot: Gargantuan amounts of drinking, the ball in Times Square dropping, and New Years resolutions. New Years Resolutions always seem to always consist of either quitting something, like drunken streaking or huffing glade aerosols, or center themselves around weight loss and fitness increase. A lot of you are probably feeling somewhere in between Jared, pre-subway days, and Shamu and could use a little advice to get started along the path to having a body that’s slightly less ugly than it is now.

• Benefits
  • Peppy attitude and moments of brilliance are a side effect
  • All meals can be snorted or eaten
  • No need to sleep if you’re doing it right
• Drawbacks
  • Expensive
  • Roommates will try to snort all your diet powder
  • Moochers and coke whores are a side effect
  • High and mighty judges
  • Amorous cell mates

The Protein Powder and Cocaine Diet has been one of my personal favorites. If you can stand the mild nasal irritation and the lack of solid bowel movements, this could be right up your alley! Don’t believe what the critics say, anal bleeding is only a side effect if you have a shitty lawyer. Contact your local drug dea- I mean street side nutrition vendor for more information.

2. Bulimia

• Benefits
  • All the food you can eat!!!
  • No need for exercise
  • Acid washed teeth could be the next big thing
• Drawbacks
  • None: This plan is fucking FOOLPROOF!!!

Bulimia is an old favorite of mine. Nothin’ says fit like a lil’ ole binge and purge cycle! As long as you eat your food within reasonable range of a toilet, sink, trash receptacle, or roommates closet you should have no problem actively purging those nasty calories from your system. Now I’ve heard people say that you should stick your finger down your throat to force a gag reflex in order to purge, but I’ve got a better idea. After you’re done stuffing yourself full of food, go to your private happy place and start jerkin’ it to the thought of Joan Rivers naked, if you have any visual aids that’d be good too, lord knows, I’ve got plenty. I’m fairly confident that once the visual of a naked Joan Rivers dances in your head long enough, you’ll be heading to ye old spew bucket in no time.

3. Children Beating

• Benefits
  • Keeps your kids quiet
  • Develops excellent hand-eye coordination
  • Cures ADD and ADHD without expensive medication

  Drawbacks

  • Nosy School Teachers
  • Child Protective Services

The time honored tradition of beating children seems to have been lost on modern America. Is it any wonder that people are getting fatter these days?! I still maintain that there’s an inverse relationship between the amount of bruises that children generally have and the waist size of their parents and it makes sense since beating is an excellent workout. I’d recommend keeping a tether on the child so he or she can get just out of reach but be pulled right back in. Note: Shot-gunning beer bottles at their heads is cheating and instills a bad sense of fair play, try to avoid the temptation.

4. El Maquinista Diet

• Benefits
  • Relatively affordable, depending on how many cigarettes you smoke per day
  • Proven results: Christian Bale lost 1/3 of his body weight while on it
  • Most all the benefits of anorexia and bulimia without having to be called an anorexic or bulimic
• Drawbacks
  • People might think you’re on drugs
  • In your case, they’ll probably be right
  • Might grow an affinity towards emo music
  • If number 3 happens, in males, balls may disappear

For those not familiar with this diet, it was used by Christian Bale in El Maquinista. Knowing that there’s nothing quite as sexy as a skeletal frame, Bale cut his intake of food dramatically and smoked many cigarettes. Some sources have said that at the most he’d eat a can of tuna and one apple per day. His new diet plan paid off and at the end of it he had dropped 63lbs, going from a grotesquely overweight 180 some odd lbs, down to a slim 120 some odd lbs.

5. The AIDS Fitness Plan

• Benefits
  •  Guaranteed weight loss
  • One of the few fitness plans that involves having sex to kick start it
  • Decreased life expectancy should make you appreciate life more
  • People will be forced to be nice to you, even if you’re an asshole
• Drawbacks
  • Disease
  • Death
  • Having sex with someone probably wouldn’t be the wisest idea unless you’re feeling especially vindictive

Only the few and the brave have dared to take this particular giant leap towards fitness. Unlike other life threatening illnesses, with AIDS there’s no dilly dallying, if you have it there’s a 100% chance that you will die because of it. As if that alone weren’t inspiration enough to get fit. AIDS cuts the time that you have to fuck around down by quite a bit so you’ll be able to capture that zest for life that people keep talking about in the movies.

Well, that’s about all the advice that I have time to dispense on the subject. If you don’t wind up in jail, die of malnutrition and disease, or have your children taken from your custody I hope to be seeing you all at the beach this summer, lookin’ fit as ever. Once again, this is The Capn’, hoping you’re all having a great new year. Stay Fit America, You Deserve It!

Cover Story: The Supreme Ruler of the universe, nicknamed “God”, sent his only son, Jesus, to die for the sins of mankind. Believing in God and Jesus grants you eternal salvation in Heaven instead of being sent to Hell, which is supposedly a really uncomfortable place. Hell is the place that you and most of your friends will probably end up, which seems cool at first but I hear they only serve warm Coors Light there and the bartender is ugly.

Supposed Real Story: The Jesus story was made up around 400AD as a way for the Romans to conquer the Germanic and other northern tribes since they couldn’t do it militarily. The entire thing was fabricated and the Jews still have an outstanding invoice with the Roman Catholic Church for the use of “God” as their deity. Kind of makes sense, do you think a guy that turns water into wine at parties would sacrifice himself for a bunch of random douche bags?

The Capn’s Take: Christianity seems like the meme that just won’t die. At an estimated 2 billion strong, this religion is definitely a testament to persistence and brilliant marketing. When you’re the only one with salvation for sale, you pretty much guarantee all customers in that market are going to come through. Christianity has various retails outlets that all have a different take on the store in the form of its many denominations. Among the things for sale are marriage, baptism, and funeral service. Basically it costs a lot of money to keep your birth, fucking, and dying right in the eyes of God. If you’re looking for an easy way out, I’d go with this one since supposedly you can be a big fuckup and still be “forgiven” in the end; it kind of operates on the “All pricks go to heaven” principle. Their human leader is said to be all seeing and is rumored to be able to do whatever he wants and basically “get away with murder” - figuratively speaking of course but you never know when the Pope might take up human hunting as a hobby. The pope gets to cruise in a pretty cool car that has a bullet proof display case and he wears a large pointy hat. The fact that the pope looks just like Golem, however, is an obvious indicator that he just can’t be trusted. Some of the clergyman have a thing for small children but boys will be boys, right? Christians might get upset when you ask them how Jesus could be the messiah when he was born of Mary.

Islam

Cover Story:They nickname their Supreme Ruler of the universe, “Allah”, but he’s also the same one that Jews and Christians worship. Getting confused yet? While they don’t think that Jesus was the son of God or Allah they do think that he was a prophet. Muslims can take their p’s and q’s from Allah via the Qur’an, which was supposedly a collection of verses revealed to Mohammed by the Angel Gabriel (Jibril) and transcribed by his companions sometime before his death in 632. The overall gist: There’s only one god (Allah) and Mohammed is his prophet. Slight differences between Muslim texts and the Torah/Bible are explained by saying that the Christian/Hebrew texts have become corrupted over time and through translation.

Supposed Real Story: Not much here, the texts were written by Mohammed and claimed to be of divine origin. Although some scholars have argued that Mohammed probably didn’t write the whole thing and that there’s no way to prove it since the earliest compilations of the Qur’an come from about the 9th century.

The Capn’s Take:Supposedly the Qur’an is a peaceful book with the same loose messages as the Bible; I’m assuming that all the guys strapping bombs to themselves and murdering innocents have a different copy or something. I can relate, I once grabbed a bear trap in place of a whoopee cushion at the local Trap and Fake Flatulence Store. Although I laughed at the results I can’t say my unsuspecting victim shared my amusement at the situation. Although it’s not the best example it just goes to show what kind of damage a miscommunication can do. I’m not sure why many Muslims in the Mideast are upset at the U.S. It may be because we supply Israel with weapons and cash and Israel in turn uses those resources to kill more mideast Muslims but I’d like to think that they’re grown up enough to let something petty like that go. That’s about as far as I’ll go into it, as with many other things, if it can’t be completely explained within 10 minutes, it’s not worth learning. I’d say join it, but only if you speak Arabic, otherwise it looks like more trouble than it’s worth.

Judaism

Cover Story:They nickname their Supreme Ruler of the universe, “Adonai”, but you can call him “God” for short. The believe that they descend from their ancient relative, “Abraham” and that God made a covenant with Abraham saying that his people would thrive and all that good stuff so long as they rejected polytheism and only embraced one god. Abraham soon realized that God might have skipped over a few crucial parts of the covenant when God asked him to snip the foreskin off of his newly non-gentile tallywacker. Abraham’s descendants have been finding more and more fine print over the ages, something about enslavement in Egypt and near annihilation in Europe. The God of the Jews likes to test people and mess with them and punishes them severely for failing said tests. God justifies this by basically saying, “What? I’m God, What’re you gonna do about it?” The Jews pride themselves in having a God with balls which is why they all carry around guns.

Supposed Real Story: Jews weren’t always monotheistic and there’s evidence that shows that many of them were polytheistic for a time. They considered God to be the sole Creator, but not the only god in the game. It was around the time of 323 BC to about 281 BC that Jews started saying that God was the only God and that the Torah was full of universal truths that even non-Jews should obey.

The Capn’s Take:Judaism seems the most laid back of the Abrahamic religions. They rarely speak of burning in hell for not agreeing with their beliefs and their beliefs and principles have them accepting a lot which Muslims and Christians would consider sinful or taboo. I suppose when you’re one of the oldest religions in the game, you really don’t worry too much about what the young upstarts are up to, even if their numbers are really good. Jews like to eat a lot which is pretty evident if you’ve ever witnessed a Passover or a Hanukah dinner. Jews also like to smell their food since it tastes and smells great; this is why their noses are typically large. Centuries of oppression have toughened up the Jewish sense of humor, sense of survival, and mental capacity and as a result Jews generally make good bankers, lawyers, comedians, and musicians. I’d say it’d be a good religion to join but unless you’re born into it, their conversion process amounts to religious hazing. Who really wants to read from the Talmud while a rabbi is chasing you with circumcision scissors and a crowd of masked Jews are chanting “To-Rah, To-Rah, To-Rah”, Oy Vey! Not much else can be said but rumor has it that you can fit every Jew in the world inside the ash tray of a Volkswagen.

Mormonism

Cover Story: Joseph Smith had visions of divine origin and transcribed his new Book of Mormon from a set of buried golden plates. Mormonism talks of a parallel history of Christianity on the North American continent and Jesus even makes a few appearances as well. Mormonism is all about bringing about what they call, the original gospel of Jesus Christ, and bringing back the original Church of Christ. They also believe that their leaders are prophets, receiving direct word and vision from God and have the power to change their laws and creeds at the behest of said visions.

Supposed Real Story: Joseph Smith made the whole damn thing up. The only debatable part is whether he’s a liar or just insane.

The Capn’s Take: Mormonism is weird, it’s like a teeny sect of Christianity that people would talk about if they knew what in the hell the Mormon’s believed in. I’ve heard a number of different stories, most of them talking about Jesus teaching Indians how to be less hell bound. From what I gather, Mormons worship the god “Mormo”, who resembles a 9 ft tall albino black man with downs syndrome. Mormo likes to eat children which is why polygamy is prevalent; so that the Mormon’s can continually feed Mormo with more children. Food sources usually consist of child cancer clinics and local schools. Mormo used to not like black people despite his own appearance because he believed them to be imposters which is why Mormons didn’t allow African Americans to be priests for quite some time but this issue was resolved in 1978 when Mormo finally came around after hearing a Bill Cosby bit for the first time. Despite being an all-powerful deity, Mormo’s Downs Syndrome inhibits his counting ability which is why certain Mormons have no problem marrying girls in the 13-17 age demographic.

Scientology

Cover Story: L. Ron Hubbard learned the secrets to a somewhat spiritual form of healing and started a religion based after it. In Scientology, Dianetics (self-improvement techniques) are used to rehabilitate the human spirit. A few of the tenets of Scientology include the fact that we’ve all lived past lives that we’ve forgotten. Most of the sessions that they have with people involve finding out past aberrations and traumatic experiences that one might have had in their past lives that could be affecting them today. They do this by conducting audits where they ask questions of the auditee while measuring their “galvanic skin response” on a device that they refer to as an E-meter. Legally speaking, the E-meter does nothing and is completely spiritual but the Scientologists still use it since it has an obvious spiritual purpose. The only weird things about Scientology are the beliefs that we came here at the will of an evil space tyrant named Xenu, who banished some 13.5 trillion or so beings to Earth around 75 million years ago. Apparently he killed all those beings with hydrogen bombs that were placed in volcanoes, then trapped their souls and implanted memories onto them via movie theater styled implant stations. The images implanted all had to do with the modern religions of our day so basically all other religions are misrepresentations perpetrated by a since removed evil alien overlord.

Capn’s Take: You might be saying, “L. Ron Hubbard was a science fiction author, of course he made that all up” or “It would be impossible to detonate enough explosives to vaporize 13.5 trillion people” or “this is just stupid”. I’m telling you, it’s just coincidental that L. Ron Hubbard is a science fiction author, the story about Xenu is real, he got it from his repressed memories of the saga. L. Ron Hubbard was also a racing pilot of sorts in his past lives and he broke many interstellar race speed records. Some of you might be wondering about Xenu but I wouldn’t worry about him. Supposedly Xenu is now imprisoned in a mountain that’s protected by a force field that is powered by an eternal battery; perhaps we’ll interview him later. This seems like the most fun of all the religions but I hear that it costs a lot to move up in its ranks and learn about all the cool stuff. As for why Tom Cruise might not like gay people, L. Ron Hubbard firmly believed that “no social order will survive which does not remove these people (homosexuals) from its midst.” Now sure, it might be possible that scientologists love gay people and yet still want their eradication but I’m going to err on the side of caution and say that it’s even more possible that L. Ron Hubbard disliked homosexuals as well. Like I said before, if you have the money, go for it. This seems like the only religion that makes sense to me.

Flying Spaghetti Monsterism

Cover Story: The universe was created by a Flying Spaghetti Monster. This was brought to light by a young Bobby Henderson who revealed the gospel of FSM in response to Intelligent Design advocates wanting their theories taught in public schools. According to Bobby, the Flying Spaghetti Monster changes scientists’ carbon dating results with his “noodly appendage” and this is why objects seem to be older than they actually are.

Supposed Real Story:This one is irrefutable as well, there isn’t really any way to disprove it unless you’re a huge fan of Ocham’s Razor. The gospel can be found here: Venganza.org

The Capn’s Take:Bobby hit on something good here; this one ranks right up there with Scientology in my opinion, although FSMism sounds slightly more plausible. I assure you that FSMism is not a device by which to mock Intelligent Design advocates and Creationistic Scientists. I can say this with absolute certainty: FSMism is as much of a tried and true religion as Creationism is a legitimate science. . . Period Comma Bitch! Those last three words really send that idea home too.

Well, I hope this bit of reading enlightened y’all, or at least took up time you’d be spending doing mindless cubicle work instead. There are a lot of religions out there, I’d recommend that everyone try a few or try none at all, it really doesn’t matter. Whether you choose a multi-millennia long guilt legacy or a space odyssey or nothing at all, the choice is always up to you and no one can change that. This is The Capn’ saying You Stay Free, America, You Deserve It!

I’m going to be posting up some older articles from askthecapn.com, here’s the first installment.

This one’s for the ladies, y’all listen up good now and prepare for some enlightenment! With all the recent hoopla over abortion and the possibility of Roe vs. Wade getting repealed, I felt it was time that I stepped up to the plate to set everyone straight with the absolute, correct stance on abortion. Well, abortion is such a harsh term, so for the rest of the article I’m going to refer to it as giving your fetus a “saline solution water slide” in a few random instances. I don’t know about you but that sounds like a lot of fun to me. I think if given the choice between birth and a saline solution waterslide, most children would choose the latter.

When you get down to it, the fetus is just a parasite. It lives on its host and deprives it of nutrients and doesn’t give shit in return. To add insult to injury, the little fucker has the nerve to suck on your lady’s tits after it’s born while you’re just standing there looking like a chump. It would seem that the fetus is just begging to get aborted with all this in mind. Dr. Cody Clarkson weighed in on the issue during a recent interview and had this to say, “I always like to have my girl wait until the last week of the second trimester, that way the kid knows I mean it.” Ultimately after the fetus gets born and fondles your lady’s breasts, it’s going to start breathing your air, eating food that you could eat and generally will use up more of the precious resources that could be better used on the living. Saline solution water slides are the obvious cure to the cancer that we call child birth. Dr. Mac Burton gave us this gem in a recent interview to show his stance on how vital abortion is to our current way of life, “Most of the people living today probably should have been aborted”.

It seems the trouble today though, is the lack of access to clinics and the taboo status given to abortion in general. We here at laboondoggle.com have decided to help dispel certain myths and general opinions about the topic with our graphic that simply states, “Abortion: Your body will thank you” in our continuing efforts, not to spread tolerance of abortion, but intolerance of pro-lifers. Most pro-lifers should have been aborted anyway, their constant bitching and whining is indicative of the fact that we could live better, more fruitful lives if they simply didn’t exist. Instead of making abortion harder to perform, we should expand on the possibilities, perhaps a do-it-yourself EZ Abortion kit for home use, or incentives to make abortion more appealing to financially strapped customers. Dr. Cody Clarkson had the following suggestion on this issue, “Abortion clinics need to cut deals for their consumers that are so called “frequent flyers”. One common practice is to have punch cards in which the customer is granted the 10th abortion free, resulting in a 10% discount to reward them for their continued business.” I envision a future where abortions happen so often that the city provides separate “disgarded fetus” receptacles to clinics.

I fancy myself an arm-chair abortionist, although I’m no pro at it, I’m pretty good with the hook on my hand and 9 times out of 10 the client comes out without any serious medical complications. Once I’m done, I dispose of the little fuckers at the stem cell clinic in my private account. I’ve gotta make sure I’ve got plenty of reserves ready in case I do actually lose an eye, or more likely my liver and lungs do to my excessive drinking and smoking. It’s all a very humane process; if I made my own home abortion kit it’d probably include a bottle of whiskey, a hook, and a CD with select Marvin Gay songs on it. You’ve never had an abortion until you’ve gotten one by yours truly with “Lets Get It On” playing in the background.

In conclusion I’d say let’s get this party started! The more abortions we can produce, the better of our world is gonna be and the more inconsequential sex we can all have, and last time I checked, unless you’re a Christian or just plain weird, inconsequential sex is a good thing. With the proper training and planning abortion can be a fun experience for the whole family or a romantic tryst for two. So let the rally cry go forth, and let us save the world, one aborted fetus at a time and ride the crest of the wave of the saline solution water slide to a better future for us all. This is The Capn’ saying You Stay Free America, You Deserve It!

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