L.A. Boondoggle

I was checking out this article on firstcoastnews.com about a man caught having sex with a picnic table and I was immediately intrigued. Bellevue, Ohio resident, Arthur Price apparently had a habit of getting horny and taking it out on his picnic table. Arthur was arrested and now faces four counts of public indecency but I think everyone is missing one very important aspect of this whole situation. Was the sex consensual? The article didn’t give much information about that and upon researching further, I found out that no one had asked the picnic table if it had been raped or not. Too add insult to injury, no one even bothered to find out if the picnic table was of legal consenting age, it would appear that Arthur Price dodged a potentially dangerous statutory bullet. After much prodding and non-sexual poking, we were able to get the picnic table to grant us an exclusive interview, I think you may all be shocked at what it revealed.

LABoondoggle: I’d like to start off by thanking you for joining us today, this whole situation must be taking it’s toll.
Picnic Table: Believe me it is, part of me didn’t want to do this interview but the truth needs to come out.
LABoondoggle: How does it make you feel that the police didn’t interview you after the incident?
Picnic Table: Like some sort of inanimate object
LABoondoggle: Has anyone besides us bothered to ask you any questions about it?
Picnic Table: Not at all. I figured I’d at least get a subpoena from the district attorney’s office, but I’ve gotten nothing so far. I’ve tried to go about pressing charges but being that I’m a picnic table, I can’t even operate a telephone to make the call.
LABoondoggle: Arthur is out on bail now. How does that make you feel? Are you scared?
Picnic Table: Terrified! People don’t realize that all he has to do is take me inside to have his way with me and it’s all legal and Kosher.
LABoondoggle: Are you implying that the sex wasn’t consensual?
Picnic Table:I uh. . . I need a moment.
LABoondoggle: Sure thing

At was at this point that the picnic table grabbed some tissue and then remembered that it doesn’t have a nose to blow.

Picnic Table: The sex was not consensual. He. . . he. . .
LABoondoggle: It’s okay, let it out.
Picnic Table: Arthur Price raped me. He raped me and the authorities are only concerned that he raped me in public, not with the rape itself.
LABoondoggle: We’re terribly sorry for your situation.
Picnic Table: I think I hear Arthur calling me, I’d better get inside.
LABoondoggle: That’s alright, we got all the information that we need.

So that concluded our interview with the picnic table, I’m not sure what Arthur had in mind when he called it inside, god only knows. At any rate, if you look at the original article you’ll notice this line smack dab in the middle of it, just all by itself.

“Police say Price lives near an elementary school.”

I wasn’t really sure what that had to do with the table sex so I consulted criminal psychologist and 10 time world hop scotch champion, Dr. Vance Reynolds, to see what the deal was. When asked what the link to the elementary school was Dr. Reynolds replied by saying “The newest emerging trend in predatory sexual behavior has been the leap from outdoor furniture to ‘harder’ targets such as children or young women. Outdoor furniture is now seen as a type of gateway sex in the community and it often leads to more deviant acts, not to mention splintering. It’s not too tremendous of a leap to assume that Price will move onto at least the picnic tables at the elementary school and who knows after that.” This grim assessment may spell trouble for the local picnic table population so we at LABoondoggle have come up with a few tips for keeping your picnic tables safe.

1. Make sure that during the day, your picnic table is in an area that receives plenty of sunlight and is out in public, we recommend the front yard.
2. At night, bring your picnic table inside and lock up securely, outdoor furniture offenders have been known to use their sexual predator strength to break simple locks.
3. If you see any suspicious activity involving yours or your neighbors picnic table, report it to the police immediately.
4. Give your picnic table a more rustic, older look by roughing it up a little. Leave some plates or garbage around it perhaps. Predators tend to go for younger looking, supple picnic tables. Messing the table up will make it less of a target.

Well that’s all for now. Keep your picnic table safe, and if your a predator, keep your weiner out of the picnic table.