L.A. Boondoggle

I regularly scour the craigslist rants and raves and came across this post. Apparently someone from my apartment complex posted up a rant about the place. I’ll post it below in case you don’t want to follow the link. If you do follow the link, be sure to flag it for best of, it’s a goodin’.

“Contrary to popular belief, I actually enjoy having live roaches fall on my hand as I reach in the fridge in the morning for the milk to pour on my cereal. Even more enjoyable is when I open the oven and 4 or 5 scurry out of it. “What are you running away for? Don’t you want to be friends?” I ask them. I know, I know, I spend a lot of time joining the angry bitch-fests of my neighbors complaining about the roach problem, but I only do that to fit in, “I really do enjoy your company!” I assure them. Its one of the many reasons I live here!

I certainly don’t take for granted the sudden and unexpected death I may get to experience when I accidentally step in any form of liquid on the latex paint covered walk way, slip and crack my head open. I mean, the rain drains for the 3rd floor draining directly onto the 2nd floor, all the window air conditioning units leaking puddles of water and any one of the neighbors trash bags leaking juice outside their door leave me no shortage of puddles to avoid. I see this as a LUXURY that keeps me alert and on my toes (or on my ass, depending on my luck for the day).

I never realized how much I hated natural sunlight until I moved here either. Now, the clever design of my apartment building managers that leaves me with no windows in my living room has enlightened me (no pun intended) to that fact. I can now happily live my life in the darkest of LUXURY caverns, receiving no natural light whatsoever beyond the faintest of slivers that comes in under the front door. This makes my roach friends really happy too!

Now, I can’t forget to mention our LUXURIOUS laundry room. Located downstairs by the parking garage, this little cave of delight comes complete with leaking water heaters, dryers that may or may not dry your clothes (if they even turn on after you’ve put your quarters in) and!……wait for it…..a gas leak!!!!!! Oh joy!

Speaking of parking garage, I will never take for granted my parking spot in the garage. Where else will my truck get sprayed with shit water that pours freely out of an open drainage pipe?! This is surely a LUXURY I can’t afford to give up.

On a particularly hot day I’m so happy to say that we have the added LUXURY of having a pool in our complex. No matter that the pool may be green for days at a time and has mold patches growing in it as this has never thwarted me from enjoying that little oasis of water downstairs. The astro-turf glued around the perimeter of the pool makes for a nice tropical effect as well, I feel like I’m on an island!

I can’t forget to mention the people that run the place! We have an amazing on site manager thats always surprising us with delights! Not only does he do a fine job of filling every vacant hole, closet, corner, passageway and storage space in the complex with trash, construction materials and empty paint and beer cans, he also ravishes us with the drunk screamings of a mad man! No one is denied the pleasure of these shows, whether its being pointed at and called a ‘fucker’ or being accused of destroying property. Even more fun is when his wife is looking for him passed out in his car in the garage, when we all know he’s on the floor of a vacant apartment in his underwear surrounded by empty beer bottles! Its like a game of hide and go seek!! We also have the off-site property manager that goes out of his way just to give us the pleasure of raising rent for no apparent reason (10 dollars here, 20 dollars there…..keeps things exciting), eviction notices for matters that have already been dealt with and any number of untold surprises that may come with dealing with a cheap, senile, money-hungry scamming old man.

I just can’t get enough of this place! “LUXURY LIVING WITH HMMY PROPERTIES!” ”

Everything in the rant is true from my experience, I’m glad someone had the cajones to post. At any rate, steer clear of 1767 Orchid Ave. if you’re looking for apartments in Hollywood.