L.A. Boondoggle

Unless you’ve been living under a rock or just don’t like to read the news, you’ve probably heard about the 400 children that were removed from their parents custody by Texas officials a while ago. Apparently the parents were part of a polygamist sect of Mormonism that has no qualms with 14 year old girls being married to old men and bearing their children. I personally find it appalling that the state would deprive these children of their right to be raped and inseminated and forced into illegal marriage so I was happy to see that the Supreme Court stuck up for the rights of the Mormons to once again retain custody of their children. To better understand my stance, I think we need to understand how the Mormon faith works and learn just why it’s necessary for the rape, insemination, and forced marriage to work.

According to the Mormon faith, the god Mormo colonized the planet ten thousand years ago because he saw that it would be a viable food source. Mormo’s primary nutrition is derived from consuming small children and thus his followers were commanded to have as many children as possible. Mormo only liked white children at first, which is why the Mormon church actively discriminated against black people for the better part of the last 10,000 years. It’s only been until recently that his tastes have apparently changed, mainly due to the fact that people of colored races are outbreeding people of non colored races. To Mormo, quantity is quality. Now here’s where the rape and insemination comes in. If a 14 year old gets pregnant and has a child inside of her, Mormo gets a double whammy, it’s like eating veal wrapped in filet mignon. With this in mind, I think we can all sympathize for the poor, bass ackwards rapist sect of Mormonism because they’re only following the mandates passed onto them by Mormo.

So now you all see, these children should be released immediately. It’s the right of every free American to worship their deity as they choose, even if it means violating a shit ton of child protective laws to do it. Besides, I’ve heard that if Mormo doesn’t get fed, he makes puppies disappear and no one wants that. So there we have it, you’re either anti puppies or pro religious persecution. You make the call.