L.A. Boondoggle

            Everyday I walk into the dining commons, whether it be Pippin or Brandywine, I always have the same dilapidated, dissatisfied look on my face. My appetite shrivels up in disgust and my brain tells me that my stomach is already full as a defense mechanism to shield me from the terrors that wait beyond the sneeze guard. Who knows what lurks in the food served in either dining commons? There are numerous theories ranging from the additive MSG to young Asian children. While the ingredients may be questionable, one thing is for sure, it’s all adds up to a recipe for an unpleasant dining experience.

            To start off, the food is offensive even to look at, almost no attempt is made to make the gruel served resemble good food. It’s bad enough having to smell the horrible stench that the food produces and insult is only added to injury when you get visually assaulted by merely glancing at it. Fighting the urge to turn back and run is very difficult and only staved off by my urge to not let my parents money be spent in vain. Most of the time, I end up going into the burger line because at least then I know what’s coming to me. “You couldn’t find worse food if you walked into a restaurant with a dirt floor” says Shawn Duffey, in reference to the sad state of the food. “My intestinal tract gets irritated and I get headaches sometimes . . . the food is obviously shit.” The symptoms that Shawn is describing are common among people who eat at the dining commons and are characteristic of a few of the suspicious ingredients which may be added in the food.

            MSG, or Monosodium glutamate for all you Chem majors out there, has a high likelihood of being in the food. People use MSG to enhance the flavor of food and it is commonly found in large dining halls and cafeterias. It works by having your tongue trick your brain into thinking you’re eating good tasting food. While the good tasting effect may not be prevalent in the food at UCI, some of the symptoms associated with MSG are. To tell you the truth, I experience intestinal discomfort after every time I eat the food at either Brandywine or Pippin and I pass gas on a more frequent basis here than when I’m at home. Along with MSG, I’ve heard rumors of fiber supplements and young Asian children being added into the food (that chicken doesn’t look like chicken to you, does it?). I’ve also heard that they purposely use ingredients that are deprived of iron and protein, which might explain why everyone feels so tired and docile after leaving the dining commons.

            It all comes down to why. Why is the food so terrible and why do they do all those terrible things to it? I think the answer is control. If anyone were to see the fallacies involved in everyday life at UC Irvine, they would probably be outraged and probably tell others to not go here. By controlling us with the food, they are making sure that we don’t voice a protest to the outside world about anything that’s wrong with the campus. We let things like outrageous parking laws, clerical errors, and tyranny slide because we lack the will to fight it or the drive and ambition to tell others about it. Do you think that if you weren’t on modified food, that you wouldn’t care about the possible raise in tuition next year due to the costly lawsuit that UCI is embarking on with Enron? Do you think that residents would simply fail to notice how parking structures are built for Commuters while residents are left to foot the bill for them? I won’t say that the situation here is dire, but it is definitely in need of some improvement.

            To conclude this article, I’d say that there’s more than what meets the eye when it comes to UC Irvine’s food. Most of what I pointed out might be pure nonsense, or it could make perfect sense when read by the right person. If you’re reading this and you go to UCI, I don’t recommend doing anything rash if you’re outraged, there’s nothing we can do. I might suggest that you prevent people from getting the meal plan here, or if you have rich, powerful, persuasive parents; have them try to change policy here so one isn’t forced to get a meal plan if they are a resident. Don’t let them win, but more importantly, don’t let your stomach lose.