L.A. Boondoggle

I’m going to be posting up some older articles from askthecapn.com, here’s the first installment.

This one’s for the ladies, y’all listen up good now and prepare for some enlightenment! With all the recent hoopla over abortion and the possibility of Roe vs. Wade getting repealed, I felt it was time that I stepped up to the plate to set everyone straight with the absolute, correct stance on abortion. Well, abortion is such a harsh term, so for the rest of the article I’m going to refer to it as giving your fetus a “saline solution water slide” in a few random instances. I don’t know about you but that sounds like a lot of fun to me. I think if given the choice between birth and a saline solution waterslide, most children would choose the latter.

When you get down to it, the fetus is just a parasite. It lives on its host and deprives it of nutrients and doesn’t give shit in return. To add insult to injury, the little fucker has the nerve to suck on your lady’s tits after it’s born while you’re just standing there looking like a chump. It would seem that the fetus is just begging to get aborted with all this in mind. Dr. Cody Clarkson weighed in on the issue during a recent interview and had this to say, “I always like to have my girl wait until the last week of the second trimester, that way the kid knows I mean it.” Ultimately after the fetus gets born and fondles your lady’s breasts, it’s going to start breathing your air, eating food that you could eat and generally will use up more of the precious resources that could be better used on the living. Saline solution water slides are the obvious cure to the cancer that we call child birth. Dr. Mac Burton gave us this gem in a recent interview to show his stance on how vital abortion is to our current way of life, “Most of the people living today probably should have been aborted”.

It seems the trouble today though, is the lack of access to clinics and the taboo status given to abortion in general. We here at laboondoggle.com have decided to help dispel certain myths and general opinions about the topic with our graphic that simply states, “Abortion: Your body will thank you” in our continuing efforts, not to spread tolerance of abortion, but intolerance of pro-lifers. Most pro-lifers should have been aborted anyway, their constant bitching and whining is indicative of the fact that we could live better, more fruitful lives if they simply didn’t exist. Instead of making abortion harder to perform, we should expand on the possibilities, perhaps a do-it-yourself EZ Abortion kit for home use, or incentives to make abortion more appealing to financially strapped customers. Dr. Cody Clarkson had the following suggestion on this issue, “Abortion clinics need to cut deals for their consumers that are so called “frequent flyers”. One common practice is to have punch cards in which the customer is granted the 10th abortion free, resulting in a 10% discount to reward them for their continued business.” I envision a future where abortions happen so often that the city provides separate “disgarded fetus” receptacles to clinics.

I fancy myself an arm-chair abortionist, although I’m no pro at it, I’m pretty good with the hook on my hand and 9 times out of 10 the client comes out without any serious medical complications. Once I’m done, I dispose of the little fuckers at the stem cell clinic in my private account. I’ve gotta make sure I’ve got plenty of reserves ready in case I do actually lose an eye, or more likely my liver and lungs do to my excessive drinking and smoking. It’s all a very humane process; if I made my own home abortion kit it’d probably include a bottle of whiskey, a hook, and a CD with select Marvin Gay songs on it. You’ve never had an abortion until you’ve gotten one by yours truly with “Lets Get It On” playing in the background.

In conclusion I’d say let’s get this party started! The more abortions we can produce, the better of our world is gonna be and the more inconsequential sex we can all have, and last time I checked, unless you’re a Christian or just plain weird, inconsequential sex is a good thing. With the proper training and planning abortion can be a fun experience for the whole family or a romantic tryst for two. So let the rally cry go forth, and let us save the world, one aborted fetus at a time and ride the crest of the wave of the saline solution water slide to a better future for us all. This is The Capn’ saying You Stay Free America, You Deserve It!