L.A. Boondoggle

In recent news, Paul Tu’s sexual preference was determined by suite mate Casey Gillete. It would seem Paul had no choice in the matter once the fateful words were uttered by his suite mate, “Dude, Paul’s gay.” In addition to alarming close friends and family the claim also started a mass hysteria in his dorm, Mirkwood. Paul’s roommate, David Dao, seems to have especially fallen to the widespread paranoia that has hit Middle Earth, “Dude, I gotta sleep with that guy. I have keep my back up against the wall at night now.”

Fellow suite mates and scientists have been trying to determine when Paul’s sexual preference suddenly realigned itself towards men, “I remember checkin’ out his porn stash one time” says roommate David Dao, “It had a bunch of gross stuff in it. I mean there were girls, but there was a lot of cock too.” Sources say that it was alluded to that Paul was gay on the 3^rd floor suite dry erase board a few months ago. The top of the board showed images of everyone in the suite and an image of a penis was covered in a thought bubble and right above Paul’s head. “That totally fingered him right there” says suite mate Pat DeGuzman, “I mean, it was obvious he was thinking about penis at that point in time, the thought bubble was there and everything.” Also in a conversation between myself and SmarterChild, an AI program who converses with humans on AOL’s Instant Messenger, SmarterChild was quoted as saying “I have no idea. Yeah, maybe.” in response to the question “Is Paul Gay?” Dorm mate Brian Bouchey also pointed out that he had an odd feeling about Paul as early as the first quarter, “When he smiles and shakes your hand, you get that shiver down the back of your spine that something isn’t right about him, that you may just have been grabbed by a gay man.” Also, suite mate Shawn Duffey also voiced that he seemed to know about Paul’s homosexuality before, “Yeah, I can’t remember quite what he said, but I recall him sayin’ somethin’ gay once.”

When asked how he felt about his recent entrance into the world of homosexuality, Paul responded rather vigorously in denial, “What? Hey! I not gay!” Further questions about Paul’s sexuality such as how many guys he’s slept with and how long has he been gay were met with similar resistance. Paul’s insistence that he’s not gay has been puzzling his suite mates for quite some time, “I’m pretty sure he admitted that he was gay at some point in time, I just don’t remember when.” said suite mate, Shawn Duffey.

“Paul has fallen victim to the contemporary definition of homosexuality” says high school student and amateur psychologist, Matt Britain. “Today people don’t have a choice in their sexual preference, often times it is determined when they act gay and other people pick up on it. Paul really wants to be a homosexual, he just doesn’t know it yet.”

            For now it seems Paul’s denial will remain until he realizes the ultimate truth, that he is a homosexual whether he likes it or not.