L.A. Boondoggle

Howdy everyone, I’d like to wish everyone a belated Happy New Year. There seems to be three prima facie facets of New Years that I can spot: Gargantuan amounts of drinking, the ball in Times Square dropping, and New Years resolutions. New Years Resolutions always seem to always consist of either quitting something, like drunken streaking or huffing glade aerosols, or center themselves around weight loss and fitness increase. A lot of you are probably feeling somewhere in between Jared, pre-subway days, and Shamu and could use a little advice to get started along the path to having a body that’s slightly less ugly than it is now.

Somebody Get This Man A Party Hat! So, without further adieu, here’s my list of prescribed diets and workouts, enjoy!1. The Protein Powder and Cocaine Diet

• Benefits
  • Peppy attitude and moments of brilliance are a side effect
  • All meals can be snorted or eaten
  • No need to sleep if you’re doing it right
• Drawbacks
  • Expensive
  • Roommates will try to snort all your diet powder
  • Moochers and coke whores are a side effect
  • High and mighty judges
  • Amorous cell mates

The Protein Powder and Cocaine Diet has been one of my personal favorites. If you can stand the mild nasal irritation and the lack of solid bowel movements, this could be right up your alley! Don’t believe what the critics say, anal bleeding is only a side effect if you have a shitty lawyer. Contact your local drug dea- I mean street side nutrition vendor for more information.

2. Bulimia

• Benefits
  • All the food you can eat!!!
  • No need for exercise
  • Acid washed teeth could be the next big thing
• Drawbacks
  • None: This plan is fucking FOOLPROOF!!!

Bulimia is an old favorite of mine. Nothin’ says fit like a lil’ ole binge and purge cycle! As long as you eat your food within reasonable range of a toilet, sink, trash receptacle, or roommates closet you should have no problem actively purging those nasty calories from your system. Now I’ve heard people say that you should stick your finger down your throat to force a gag reflex in order to purge, but I’ve got a better idea. After you’re done stuffing yourself full of food, go to your private happy place and start jerkin’ it to the thought of Joan Rivers naked, if you have any visual aids that’d be good too, lord knows, I’ve got plenty. I’m fairly confident that once the visual of a naked Joan Rivers dances in your head long enough, you’ll be heading to ye old spew bucket in no time.

3. Children Beating

• Benefits
  • Keeps your kids quiet
  • Develops excellent hand-eye coordination
  • Cures ADD and ADHD without expensive medication

  Drawbacks

  • Nosy School Teachers
  • Child Protective Services

The time honored tradition of beating children seems to have been lost on modern America. Is it any wonder that people are getting fatter these days?! I still maintain that there’s an inverse relationship between the amount of bruises that children generally have and the waist size of their parents and it makes sense since beating is an excellent workout. I’d recommend keeping a tether on the child so he or she can get just out of reach but be pulled right back in. Note: Shot-gunning beer bottles at their heads is cheating and instills a bad sense of fair play, try to avoid the temptation.

4. El Maquinista Diet

• Benefits
  • Relatively affordable, depending on how many cigarettes you smoke per day
  • Proven results: Christian Bale lost 1/3 of his body weight while on it
  • Most all the benefits of anorexia and bulimia without having to be called an anorexic or bulimic
• Drawbacks
  • People might think you’re on drugs
  • In your case, they’ll probably be right
  • Might grow an affinity towards emo music
  • If number 3 happens, in males, balls may disappear

For those not familiar with this diet, it was used by Christian Bale in El Maquinista. Knowing that there’s nothing quite as sexy as a skeletal frame, Bale cut his intake of food dramatically and smoked many cigarettes. Some sources have said that at the most he’d eat a can of tuna and one apple per day. His new diet plan paid off and at the end of it he had dropped 63lbs, going from a grotesquely overweight 180 some odd lbs, down to a slim 120 some odd lbs.

 I’d say this would be best for aspiring lead singers who want to do the whole 80’s singer androgyny thing.

5. The AIDS Fitness Plan

• Benefits
  •  Guaranteed weight loss
  • One of the few fitness plans that involves having sex to kick start it
  • Decreased life expectancy should make you appreciate life more
  • People will be forced to be nice to you, even if you’re an asshole
• Drawbacks
  • Disease
  • Death
  • Having sex with someone probably wouldn’t be the wisest idea unless you’re feeling especially vindictive

Only the few and the brave have dared to take this particular giant leap towards fitness. Unlike other life threatening illnesses, with AIDS there’s no dilly dallying, if you have it there’s a 100% chance that you will die because of it. As if that alone weren’t inspiration enough to get fit. AIDS cuts the time that you have to fuck around down by quite a bit so you’ll be able to capture that zest for life that people keep talking about in the movies.

Well, that’s about all the advice that I have time to dispense on the subject. If you don’t wind up in jail, die of malnutrition and disease, or have your children taken from your custody I hope to be seeing you all at the beach this summer, lookin’ fit as ever. Once again, this is The Capn’, hoping you’re all having a great new year. Stay Fit America, You Deserve It!

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