L.A. Boondoggle

Greetings and salutations, everyone! I recently read a piece on msnbc.com that talked about actors who have bands or at least attempt to make music. The list was pretty long and included guys like Stephen Seagal, Joe Pesci, and Bruce Willis. I’m not sure if it’s a gigantic ego or just pure stupidity that possesses actors to attempt music, whatever the cause, the effect seems to always be the same. Well, without further adieu, I’d like to profile my top 5 list of people who should stick to what they’re good at and leave music alone.

1. Joe Pesci hits the top of the list with his song, “Wise Guy”. It’s not too often you get to see a video that simultaneously brings a genre of music to a new low and brings overall shittyness to insanely high levels. Joe Pesci must be a little batty, I mean who produces a song that lame and then thinks, “I totally need a video for this! Oh this’ll be great! I’ll dress up in a suit and walk around, stiff as board like Dr. Frankensteins creature!”. Take a look at this and you’ll see what I’m talking about.

2. Leonard Nemoy should get the Nobel Prize for creepiness with his rendition of “The Ballad of Bilbo Baggins”. I wouldn’t really think that a Vulcan would go for the work of Tolkien but the evidence shows otherwise. Spock is about as hobbit crazy any human that you’ll come across, I just wish he didn’t look so weird in the video for it. Anyways, thanks Leonard Nemoy, cause I really wanted nightmares about over excited dancing midgets and Star Trek characters.
3. Kevin Bacon and the Bacon Brothers take the 3rd spot on the list(Does Kevin Bacon just call it a “Me LT” instead of a BLT?). I don’t have a song in particular picked out, I think I’m gonna go ahead and just insult their entire repertoire. I’m pretty sure that if the Bacon Brothers play another George Harrison song, George will claw his lifeless body out of the grave to come exact his revenge.
4. Stephen Seagal comes in at number 4 with “Girl It’s Alright”, a cliche ridden piece of dog shit that somehow made it’s way into a video. I guess ass kicking doesn’t burn as many calories as we’d think because in the video we get to see a version of Seagal that looks terrible and probably weighs 30 lbs more than what we’re used to. Bonus points go to the added creepy factor for having it look like he’s pining over an underaged Asian girl throughout the video. I think the title of the song should be something closer to “Girl It’s Alright Because We’re in Bangcock and It’s Legal Here”.

5. For the last spot I’m gonna have to go with every football team ever. I thought the football team rap video was just a thing of the mid to late 80’s but apparently the Bengals released one as recently as 2005. Here’s a list of the ones’ that I know of:
1988 Philadelphia Eagles’ “Buddy’s Watchin’ You”
1986 Raiders’ “Silver & Black Attack”
1985 Chicago Bears’ Super Bowl Shuffle
1986 Los Angeles Rams’ “Ram It”
1991 Miami Dolphins’ “U Can’t Touch Us”
2005 Cincinatti Bengals’ “Fear Da Tiger”
1988 San Francisco 49ers’ “Team of the Eighties”
1985 Seattle Seahawks “Locker Room Rock”

I’ll leave you with the Chicago Bears “Super Bowl Shuffle”. As for the others, a search on youtube should pull most of them up. Enjoy!

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