L.A. Boondoggle

Being Asian and attending UCI is very difficult. I should know because I’m a white person attending the aforementioned campus. With the Asian population barely breaking 50% an Asian can often times find himself lonely in such a setting. The culture shock alone would be enough to drive many people insane. Having to adapt to the white man’s culture which runs rampant through the school can often be a traumatic experience. It seems like everywhere you go there’s always white people running here and there speaking in that gibberish that we call “English”. What’s nice to know is that amidst all this racial tension there is one student who stands up and just doesn’t give a hoot about it all.

“Man, school is all about the bitches, dog!” Exclaims Huy Tran, 2^nd year Psych Major at UCI. “Fuckin’ bitches everywhere! White bitches, Asian Bitches, White Bitches again, shit dog this if fuckin’ great!” Yes, it appears the rigors of being a minority are definitely not getting to this fledgling student. This young student even appears to embrace the Caucasian dominance at UCI, “I loves me a white bitch yo, their so fuckin’ fine. I like to get that ass and wax it all night long mothafucker!” It appears that there has been no racial boundary left uncrossed by the young Vietnamese student.

The young Tran also appeared to express great satisfaction with his newfound social life at UCI. “Man, I’m out at the parties every night, player. There isn’t a bitch in all of CV that doesn’t know my name. And when I get my groove on . . . Oh shit, there ain’t no stoppin’ me.” Huy also admits that amidst his wild party life, sometimes he still does like to sit back and relax, “A lot of times me and my frat bros like to smoke a bunt or two and just chill and watch movies and shit. Oh man, have you seen Will Smith in any of his movies? Man that mothafucker can act like it’s no one’s business.” “Yeah, Huy is a regular wild man,” says Brian Bouchey, 2^nd year Econ major at UCI. “That guy will drink like it’s no one’s business. I remember one night, he got so fucked up man, he had like 3 to 4 entire drinks! I mean, I’m one for a little drop every now and then but 3-4 drinks, it’s like that guy has a death wish or somethin’.”

According to Cody Clark, first year geological science major and race relations expert at UCSB, the phenomenon which Huy is experiencing is not all too uncommon. “Blacks aren’t liked by whites because they are less intelligent, everyone knows that.” When asked what the hell he was talking about, Cody replied, “Oh yeah, the Asian kid. Don’t get me started on the Asians. every last one of those fuckers acts like he’s got something to prove, trying to show up white people at academics, ping pong, and even soccer. Anyone knows a yellow cant run for shit. Now when white people see an Asian, they automatically assume he is North Korean, VC or Japanese, all of which hate us and killed our fore fathers .This assumption is correct about all Asians.”

Well, if you want any opinion from this journalist on the story that I’ve just reported, you’re not going to get it. I personally don’t know what the hell this article is about. I started writing it while under the influence one evening and did my best to salvage it using as many fake and real quotes as possible. If anything insults you in this article please consult your local proctologist so that you can have the stick removed from your ass. Thank you.