L.A. Boondoggle

Unless you’ve been living under a rock or just don’t like to read the news, you’ve probably heard about the 400 children that were removed from their parents custody by Texas officials a while ago. Apparently the parents were part of a polygamist sect of Mormonism that has no qualms with 14 year old girls being married to old men and bearing their children. I personally find it appalling that the state would deprive these children of their right to be raped and inseminated and forced into illegal marriage so I was happy to see that the Supreme Court stuck up for the rights of the Mormons to once again retain custody of their children. To better understand my stance, I think we need to understand how the Mormon faith works and learn just why it’s necessary for the rape, insemination, and forced marriage to work.

According to the Mormon faith, the god Mormo colonized the planet ten thousand years ago because he saw that it would be a viable food source. Mormo’s primary nutrition is derived from consuming small children and thus his followers were commanded to have as many children as possible. Mormo only liked white children at first, which is why the Mormon church actively discriminated against black people for the better part of the last 10,000 years. It’s only been until recently that his tastes have apparently changed, mainly due to the fact that people of colored races are outbreeding people of non colored races. To Mormo, quantity is quality. Now here’s where the rape and insemination comes in. If a 14 year old gets pregnant and has a child inside of her, Mormo gets a double whammy, it’s like eating veal wrapped in filet mignon. With this in mind, I think we can all sympathize for the poor, bass ackwards rapist sect of Mormonism because they’re only following the mandates passed onto them by Mormo.

So now you all see, these children should be released immediately. It’s the right of every free American to worship their deity as they choose, even if it means violating a shit ton of child protective laws to do it. Besides, I’ve heard that if Mormo doesn’t get fed, he makes puppies disappear and no one wants that. So there we have it, you’re either anti puppies or pro religious persecution. You make the call.

I’ve never really talked much about where I’m currently living other than to say that I’m somewhere in Hollywood. I did this for a couple reasons, mainly because I’m too lazy to write in general but also because I didn’t want to give away any clues to my legions of fans that would ultimately try and find me. Seeing as how no one looks at this page and even if by some fluke the site actually garnered some sort of popularity, it’d still take months for that to happen and I’ll be long gone by then. So, without further adieu, I’d like to talk about Crazy Guy.

My neighbors call him “The Demon” and claim to have all rights to naming him since they moved in a month before I did but I think with careful enough campaigning I can make the name “Crazy Guy” stick. Crazy Guy, or CG as I’ll refer to him in this bit, is a man who lives in the apartment complex next door. He can often be heard screaming through the windows of the bedrooms adjacent to his building. CG doesn’t just scream randomly though, he seems to be trying to convey and actual message. When I first heard him he said something like, “BURY THE DOG IN THE CESS POOL!!!!!”. I didn’t really see that one coming so it both scared the shit out of me and intrigued me and the same time. This was followed by weird high pitched chipmunk noises, heavy panting, and him using a spray bottle of some sort. As weird as that all sounds, withing a few days I realized that it was par for the course for Hollywood living, I got used to it.

After a few weeks I noticed that crazy guy started branching out and started to address issues that didn’t concern dogs or cess pools. He once said “WAKE UP YOU TROGLODYTES!!!!!”, I’m not too sure why on that one but I was impressed with his vocabulary, “troglodyte” isn’t a word that you hear every day. Another time he said “DEPORT THAT BABY!!!” when our Guatemalan apartment manager’s baby was crying in the morning. As the variety of his phrases increased, so did their frequency. It seemed as if CG was preparing for something big, something newer and crazier that would blow us all away. Finally one day we heard. . . nothing.

It one point I could hear crazy guy nearly every 20-30 minutes, now the winter had come and I didn’t hear so much as one dog pant or a single spray of the spray bottle. Everyone in the complex seemed to have their own theories for CG’s silence. Some thought that he might have been hauled away finally, others thought he might have moved. My own personal theory was that it was too cold outside so he kept the window closed and that’s why we couldn’t hear him. The months went by and the winter grew colder and as the tourism season faded, so faded the voice of our beloved Crazy Guy.

Finally one day in early March I came home from school and went to my bed to relax a little and waste some time on the laptop. I hadn’t opened my window in a while but the weather was warming up so I figured I’d give it a try. Upon opening the window I heard a voice that I hadn’t heard before. The voice, in a raspy whisper, said “It’s a dog shit city!” and some other gibberish that I couldn’t make out. Traditionally crazy guy has always used a booming throaty scream to voice is statements, this was something new. After CG finished ranting about the dogshit city he finished off with the spray bottle and a loud slam of the window, thus confirming that the cold of winter was gone and he was now back in action.

Since then I haven’t heard too much variety, most of the ranting I hear is about the dogshit city. Apparently it has to do with the people who live across from him who don’t pick up their dogshit that often. You can tell when there’s quite a buildup because CG will shout out with all his might, “PICK UP YOUR DOGSHIT, ASSHOOOLE!!!!”.  Sometimes I think the guy is completely crazy but there’s those other times when I’m not so sure. Those times, like right now, when I get a whiff of something that’s either dogshit, weed, or a combination of both that make me wonder if we’re dealing with a sane man who screams a lot and we’re the crazy ones for putting up with the madness that we’ve so gotten used to.

Sorry about the delay in writing, it’s been a busy past month with school and everything else that I’m getting into.

I’m writing tonight to talk about grocery stores. A Fresh and Easy recently opened up a block away from me on Hollywood Blvd. I was impressed with the prices and the food and the absence of grocery store checkers. There were no lines and my shopping experience was as painless as possible. Tonight I shopped at Ralph’s, I’m not sure why but I did. The prices were unimpressive and the service was shit. I literally waited in line for an hour in the express lane and somehow summoned the strength to not bang my head against the fucking wall. When I take all the factors into account, I’d say that Fresh and Easy is a pretty obvious choice, or so I thought. Enter Fresh and Easy Facts.

If you live in the Los Angeles area, chances are you might have received one of their mailers in the past month or two. It’s a pamphlet that basically says that Fresh and Easy is bad because it doesn’t have grocery store checkers. Further research points you in the direction of their website located at http://freshandqueasy.com, how very mature. The site describes various environmental abuses made by Fresh and Easy’s parent company, Tesco, and even has a petition you can sign to refuse to shop their ever.  You’d think this would be enough to make me stop shopping there, unfortunately I’m a dick and I could give two shits about what the morons at Fresh and Easy Facts claim.

So lets break this down, shall we? The first issue that Fresh and Easy Facts wanted to inform me of was the fact that consumers want their grocery store checkers. I’ve never heard a bigger crock of shit in my life. Grocery store checkers would be alright if there were enough of them but there never are. Just tonight I saw huge lines of 20 or more people at each check stand, and get this, out of the 8 check stands available at the Ralph’s on Sunset, only 4 were open! This isn’t all too uncommon and I fail to find the logic in making so many check stand if only a few will be used at any one time. You could say that this isn’t the grocery checker’s fault but I don’t care because it’s not my fault either. Besides, their job isn’t that damn difficult, I can bag my groceries at a self check stand a lot quicker most of the time and I don’t have their professional experience.

As for the environmental aspect and the pesticides on organic foods bit, I don’t really care. Organic foods take 3 times the amount of arable farmland to produce, it’s basically the grocery shopping equivalent of driving a Hummer so I could really care less if pesticides go on the or not. If they taste good and they’re cheap, I’ll buy them, 9 times out of 10 the organics don’t taste all that good and they’re almost never cheaper. The organic propaganda machine is populated by idiots who know next to nothing about farming and agriculture and who apparently hate the environment as well.

Lastly, this petition to not shop at Fresh and Easy is ridiculous. I see Fresh and Easy as a pretty cool concept, cheaper prices, no bag checkers, no bullshit. I feel that the Fresh and Easy Facts site is a pathetic attempt by large grocery chains and grocery worker unions to defend an old, shitty model for grocery shopping by trying to squash the future of something that will ultimately benefit the consumer. Way to be anti free market and anti capitalist. This is hardly a grass roots campaign, it’s obvious that some major players are involved in this smear campaign since someone had to pay Blackrock Associates to run this little shit talking campaign.

In conclusion, I’d say shop wherever you want and don’t buy into corporate smear campaigns and maybe complain a little next time the lines at Ralph’s are long.