L.A. Boondoggle

For those of you who haven’t been reading the news over the past week, a group called “Anonymous” has decided to arrange a worldwide protest on the church of scientology. From what I’ve read and heard, organized protests will be taking place at nearly every major city where a scientology church can be found. I’m not sure what type of protest etiquette is recommended but I’ve heard that wearing dark sunglasses and and a hooded sweatshirt might be a good idea if you want to make sure that no crazy scientologist ID’s you from what you look like.

Whether you’re an avid anti-scientologist with a “Free Xenu” picket all ready and made or you’re just curious to see if Tom Cruise shows up, it might be a good idea to check it out. I’ll be at the Hollywood one to see what the action is, it should be a fun Sunday. Protesters meet up at 10:30am at the Starbucks in the Hollywood and Highland mall. After that I’m not sure, there are a number of scientology buildings in the area, I think the protesters will be making their rounds at all of them. Check out the flier below for more info.

Welcome to the year of the Rat!  Seriously? The Rat?  Great rock songs aside, I imagine what the Chinese really meant by ‘Rat’ was a powerful beast capable of feats of great strength and… gnawing.  I don’t know.  Wikipedia says it “was welcomed in ancient times as a protector and bringer of material prosperity,” but I’ve always known them to the contrary.  Perhaps my consternation surrounding the significance of this animal originates from a set of subconscious fears formed during my childhood.  Maybe a rat ate my He-Man doll and that’s why I never found it after my parents moved me out to the middle of nowhere.  I love you, Los Angeles.

 How funny are these Google ads, responding to the bad food article below.  It’s like they totally know our target audience.

 Anyway, I wanted to throw up an entry today as part of our dedication to you, our equally dedicated readers.  I’ve skimmed the surface of recent online happenings and cool stuff just for you, so please indulge:

• Ben will be covering this weekend’s ‘Anonymous’ Scientology Protest in Hollywood
• How cool would it be if you could play like this in real time?
• I’m drawing a serious analogy between this and the traffic of southern california, except this is a billion times cooler.
• Yes, this is the coolest thing ever.  Who wants to help set up a similar thing in L.A.?
• I had been wondering about all my pre-ordered Joker t-shirts from the new Batman movie…
• Interesting insight into the plight of the latin community in L.A.  Oh, and how about that Hot Dog…!

Today we kick off LABoondoggle.com. We’ve got an announcement or two coming up but for now I’ve posted some old articles that I’ve written on previous sites. Read and enjoy!

            Everyday I walk into the dining commons, whether it be Pippin or Brandywine, I always have the same dilapidated, dissatisfied look on my face. My appetite shrivels up in disgust and my brain tells me that my stomach is already full as a defense mechanism to shield me from the terrors that wait beyond the sneeze guard. Who knows what lurks in the food served in either dining commons? There are numerous theories ranging from the additive MSG to young Asian children. While the ingredients may be questionable, one thing is for sure, it’s all adds up to a recipe for an unpleasant dining experience.

            To start off, the food is offensive even to look at, almost no attempt is made to make the gruel served resemble good food. It’s bad enough having to smell the horrible stench that the food produces and insult is only added to injury when you get visually assaulted by merely glancing at it. Fighting the urge to turn back and run is very difficult and only staved off by my urge to not let my parents money be spent in vain. Most of the time, I end up going into the burger line because at least then I know what’s coming to me. “You couldn’t find worse food if you walked into a restaurant with a dirt floor” says Shawn Duffey, in reference to the sad state of the food. “My intestinal tract gets irritated and I get headaches sometimes . . . the food is obviously shit.” The symptoms that Shawn is describing are common among people who eat at the dining commons and are characteristic of a few of the suspicious ingredients which may be added in the food.

            MSG, or Monosodium glutamate for all you Chem majors out there, has a high likelihood of being in the food. People use MSG to enhance the flavor of food and it is commonly found in large dining halls and cafeterias. It works by having your tongue trick your brain into thinking you’re eating good tasting food. While the good tasting effect may not be prevalent in the food at UCI, some of the symptoms associated with MSG are. To tell you the truth, I experience intestinal discomfort after every time I eat the food at either Brandywine or Pippin and I pass gas on a more frequent basis here than when I’m at home. Along with MSG, I’ve heard rumors of fiber supplements and young Asian children being added into the food (that chicken doesn’t look like chicken to you, does it?). I’ve also heard that they purposely use ingredients that are deprived of iron and protein, which might explain why everyone feels so tired and docile after leaving the dining commons.

            It all comes down to why. Why is the food so terrible and why do they do all those terrible things to it? I think the answer is control. If anyone were to see the fallacies involved in everyday life at UC Irvine, they would probably be outraged and probably tell others to not go here. By controlling us with the food, they are making sure that we don’t voice a protest to the outside world about anything that’s wrong with the campus. We let things like outrageous parking laws, clerical errors, and tyranny slide because we lack the will to fight it or the drive and ambition to tell others about it. Do you think that if you weren’t on modified food, that you wouldn’t care about the possible raise in tuition next year due to the costly lawsuit that UCI is embarking on with Enron? Do you think that residents would simply fail to notice how parking structures are built for Commuters while residents are left to foot the bill for them? I won’t say that the situation here is dire, but it is definitely in need of some improvement.

            To conclude this article, I’d say that there’s more than what meets the eye when it comes to UC Irvine’s food. Most of what I pointed out might be pure nonsense, or it could make perfect sense when read by the right person. If you’re reading this and you go to UCI, I don’t recommend doing anything rash if you’re outraged, there’s nothing we can do. I might suggest that you prevent people from getting the meal plan here, or if you have rich, powerful, persuasive parents; have them try to change policy here so one isn’t forced to get a meal plan if they are a resident. Don’t let them win, but more importantly, don’t let your stomach lose.

I recently watched Star Wars Episode 6: Return Of The Jedi and thoroughly enjoyed myself. While the special effects for the time where indeed phenomenal, and the storyline was very captivating and interesting, it was none of these things that brought me to unparalleled heights of movie viewing satisfaction. Simply put, most of my satisfaction of the movie was derived from imagining how cool it would be to own an Ewok. Now don’t get me wrong, I think the other characters in Star Wars are interesting in their own right, but none possess the visage of a teddy bear quite like the Ewoks. So I sit here bored, with nothing to do except study or waste time on this article. So I choose the lesser of two evils and choose to enlighten you on how all our lives would benefit if I owned an Ewok.

            As a child I enjoyed teddy bears as I’m assuming you all did when you were younger. I don’t know if it’s an urge to possess a teddy bear or to be five years old again, but something is alluring in the way that the Ewoks resemble a teddy bear. What adds to the fantasy, is the fact that the Ewoks were hostile as well as being teddy bear like. I don’t know about all of you, but I laughed during the sequences when the Ewoks would use their spears or other weapons to attack storm troopers. Their manner of speaking and their language was also very amusing. The style of gibberish and the mannerisms that they use during speech along with their high energy level was all very comical. With all these things in mind, imagine what fun an Ewok would be!

            Yelling at people and hitting them with sticks is all fine and good, but doesn’t derive much pleasure, especially when the consequences are weighed against the immediate aesthetic pleasure you would experience. It would be much better to have a 3 foot teddy bear looking thing do the work for you. Can you imagine the surprise on your victim’ face when he sees an Ewok start yelling and waving his hands at him? Can you imagine the hilarity that would ensue when the Ewok starts hitting that person with a stick because the person doesn’t understand his gibberish. I mean, you could take it even further. I’d sit down all of my friends in the suite living room and write a bunch of stuff on the white board and have the Ewok explain it. He’d shout out his gibberish and point at the board many times with his stick and hit any body who raises their hand or falls asleep. It’d also be funny to see and Ewok kick someone in the balls. Many people do not know this but the original Star Wars footage had a scene where Luke Skywalker continued his training for a few hours with an Ewok Jedi Master. At first Luke has trouble adapting to the Ewok’s language so the Ewok yells at Luke and hits him with a stick, then kicks him the balls. The movie was too long, so that and a few other scenes were cut out to shorten it to a more desirable length.

            One day my dream may come to pass, and I may actually acquire an Ewok, but until then I’ll wait and imagine how cool it would be.

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